forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
