Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
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Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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