Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
