this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
We are all done wearing pants today
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
