they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
