The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
