I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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