oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
