It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
