I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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