lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
