you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
