I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
