all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Terrible idea I love it
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
