3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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