I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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