I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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