Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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