Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
