It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
