Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
