I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
