I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
