I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
