If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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