$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
