she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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