She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Vodka?
Forever.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
