My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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