I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
two words: eviction party
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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