I can text with my tongue
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
