guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
