The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
