I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
