woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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