did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
