no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
