i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
