Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
