I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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