I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
