I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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