I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
