I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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