I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
