that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize