I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
