mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
