god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
