What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Found your dick twin last night
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just gargled with NyQuil
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
