I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
