i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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