soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
