Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Don't EVER smell your tampon
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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