it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The air was thick with penises
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Randomize
