she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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