I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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