ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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