Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
