just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
